Every day is not roses, flowers, & sunshine. And this week has been clouds, storms, and an overcast as bad news after bad news has come through. An amazing person and dear friend passed from cancer this week. I am sad for anyone that never got the opportunity to meet Diane as she was so full of life and spirit. And love, love for everyone especially kids. Diane also had MS and was fighting cancer. This week we also found out of some others that I know fighting cancer has progressed. It’s so hard because all these are triggers for me. Needless to say, getting up and going this week has been a hard thing as my heart is breaking not only for so many because I have been in their shoes and I do not wish that upon anyone. To top things off this week is the anniversary of Ellie’s death so we are processing those feelings.
So, I have been extremely down lately, but we had our big 20 weeks Ultrasound Friday. It helped put a fresh perspective on everything for me. This is the Ultrasound I have been waiting for. The one that I needed to get through. I had such anxiety about something being wrong with the baby. This comes from PTSD with Ellie but also I have known several people that get to this ultrasound and find out there is something majorly wrong. Dave and I have been so excited for the baby (And a little bit of nervousness) but holding back on the excitement because you just never know.
The Ultrasound: My sister and I get put into a room at the hospital. I practice my excitement/nervous breaths telling myself “Breathe in, breathe out” as we wait for the technician to come in. Then she arrives and the Ultrasound begins. I find myself looking for anything (You know I have watched my share of ER & Greys Anatomy. So, I do think of myself as some kind of expert) that is off on the scan. She starts with the legs and says, “Wow this baby has some long legs” My response “Really? He is Asian how can that be, as I chuckle”. Then the Heart, she tells us that she specializes in hearts and that surrogacy pregnancies usually have more of a chance to have something wrong with the heart, but this babies heart looks perfect”
Tears, lots and lots of tears at this point. A sense of relief but we are not done yet. She moves onto the brain and measures everything as I watch I notice myself looking very carefully for anything that would resemble a tumor again PTSD does some strange things to a person’s mind. I don’t see anything but then again take into consideration my ability to read ultrasounds is low to none. So, I guess I can’t call myself an expert. She goes on to measure all the different components of the body. Again, I find myself tearing up. This is what they call my Rainbow Baby, the baby that is going to breathe fresh life into our family. The baby that has an angel watching over him. Him yes him, we have known it’s a boy, but I never fully announced it. Jake is super excited to have another boy around here. As for me I am just feeling so blessed to have this opportunity to be a mom again even though I am outnumbered at least our dogs are girls.
She then says I will go get the doctor and he will talk to you about the ultrasound. Everything she spoke about was pretty positive but it’s not really her job to give the bad news so one more step one more hurtles before I can release all the tension and concern. This is where it gets to be an amazing moment. God works in mysterious ways. The doctor walks in and says Hi Mrs. Shoup do you remember me. That’s right he knew my sister, his children now practically adults now did martial arts under my brother-in-law years ago. This doctor and his kids where at my sister’s wedding celebration 18 years ago. We were both in awe, he turned to me and said you must be her sister. I nodded. I have read about Ellie, my eyes open wide in awe, you know about my Ellie I think in my head. He then continues to go on and say he was sorry for my loss but what an amazing thing this baby is. And then the best words to come out of a doctor’s mouth. Everything looks fantastic at this point. He then continues to tell us that he took an extra look at the brain and then went through everything piece by piece with me to show me that the brain is perfect at this point. I felt like I had been holding my breath for 20 weeks just waiting for this one perfect moment to happen. So many people have asked me to have
you thought about a name. my response not until the big ultrasound,
So, I leave you with these incredible photos of my miracle baby we cannot wait to bring into the world, and I can now get fully excited because the chances of this baby coming and being perfect are so high. I wanted to thank everyone for the amazing love, support, and messages I received you have no idea how each message made me feel at ease about this whole thing.
A mother with a battle ahead of her.